Fandangled Pureblood Theories
by fyren galan
Summary: Harry and Draco knew Narcissa took the whole "we're together" thing way too well, and now they know why. SLASH.
1. Inbreeding Leads to Randy Descendants

Fandangled Pureblood Theories

"And I've recently discovered that there's a potion that will let you bear Draco's child! Isn't this fantastic, Harry?" Narcissa squealed.

Harry blinked. "Well, fuck. Why do I have to pop out the kiddo? Why can't Draco do it? He's the one that wants to carry on the damned bloodline so badly. Let him have the unattractive baby bump."

Narcissa's laughter chimed around the room delicately. She patted Harry's hand, and replied, "Don't be silly, dear. Malfoys don't lower themselves to becoming bottoms, so naturally Draco can't have the child. It's not suited to his temperament, anyway. You'll make a wonderful mother."

Harry scowled, and tore his hand away. "Malfoys don't bottom, eh?" he snarled angrily. "So why was your son keening underneath me last night as I pounded him into the mattress, and _then_ a chair, and _then _a wall? Try to explain that with your fandangled Pureblood theories."

"Don't bottom, my arse…" he muttered.

oOo

Draco's eyes widened and he grabbed Harry frantically.

"Don't make me pregnant! I don't want to have a baby! As a matter of fact, I don't want you to have one, either. I've heard pregnant people are ugly and moody all the time. And they never want sex. So clearly, you can't be pregnant," Draco finished haughtily.

Harry grinned. "You horny ferret. I knew I could count on your need to have sex at least once a day to keep us from this ridiculous M-Preg scheme."

Draco sniffed daintily. "Of course I have to have sex constantly. Too much inbreeding leads to randy descendants. Anyway, we'll simply adopt. Or you'll use your infinite powers of persuasion to get one of your stupid friends to cough up a uterus. Do make sure the surrogate's a Pureblood though, won't you? I won't have any child of mine with atrocious Mudblood hair."

Harry was quite certain Luna would be only too happy to have their child. She had been anxious to get into both of their pants ever since a Nargle had apparently told her they were destined to have hot and steamy threesomes for the rest of their lives.

Apparently Nargles were good for something after all.

Besides smashing the dreams of every straight girl who wanted to date Harry Potter, that is.

oOo

A/N: The last line is, of course, a reference to Harry and Cho's infamous 360-degree kiss from OofP. Which I am convinced ruined Harry's chances as a heterosexual.

I wonder if you all are kind of getting the idea I dislike M-Preg? :]


	2. Narcissa Plays the Shrew

I had a request for a sequel, about a month ago. Your wish is my command, Words Fly By. :]

Narcissa Plays the Shrewish Mother-in-Law So Well

"Oh, Harry darling!" Narcissa trilled.

Harry winced. Damn. Even after using a Disillusionment Charm under his Invisibility Cloak she still could somehow find him. He suspected inbreeding led to X-ray vision, along with randy descendants.

He wearily took off the Cloak and undid the Charm. "Yes, Narcissa? Was there something you wanted?" he asked politely.

Sharp white teeth appeared, making her look for all the world like a bowtruckle that had cornered a deliciously plump woodlouse. "You do recall a few days ago, when you and I had that lovely discussion about doing your duty as a Pureblood heir by continuing the line? Well, I sensed a certain… reluctance on your part. I must have been imagining it, I know. But if there is one small part of you that has the slightest bit of doubt about you being physically able to bear my son's children, I thought I would reassure you."

Harry snorted mentally. Narcissa's reassurances were usually on some sort of curse on _that_ side of illegal. He automatically shifted into a battle pose.

But instead of pulling out her wand, she brought a small book from behind her back. Smiling gently, she handed it to him. Harry nonverbally cast a Dark curse detection spell on it before warily accepting it.

"Go ahead," she cried happily. "Read it. Page 57."

Harry flipped through the book, almost to the page, when Narcissa ripped it out of his grasp. "Never mind! I'll simply tell you myself."

He rolled his eyes. He really hated Draco's mum.

"I was anxiously scanning our library, searching for something to allay your fears about your upcoming pregnancy, when I found the Finnish myth of creation. It clearly states that a male duck laid an egg, broke it, and the world sprang out. So clearly, if the creator of the world can do it, then you can _suck it up and take it like a man._"

If Harry wasn't a trained Auror, the last sentence would've scared the shit out of him. Narcissa slowly prowled towards him, and backed him into a wall. "Now why don't you go home and give my son a nice welcome home by _dropping your trousers_?" she eerily intoned.

Harry gulped. Not that he wasn't planning to do that anyway, but when she put it _that way_, it rather ruined the mood.

And then, inspiration hit Harry like an Avada Kedavra. He smirked, and Narcissa halted, confused.

"You know what the moral of that story is, Narcissa?" he asked. She pondered his question and then shook her head in the negative.

He grinned. "Only birds can have children."

He swept out of her house, leaving Narcissa cursing the fact that it couldn't have been a male _manticore._

FIN.

A/N: Because bird is a slang term for woman. Ah ha. Ah ha ha. –coughs embarrassedly-

VIGNETTE TIME! I also wanted to write a different ending, so here you go. The first half or so is the same.

Draco Stuns His Mum (Literally and Figuratively)

"Oh, Harry darling!" Narcissa trilled.

Harry winced. Damn. Even after using a Disillusionment Charm under his Invisibility Cloak she still could somehow find him. He suspected inbreeding led to X-ray vision, along with randy descendants.

He wearily took off the Cloak and undid the Charm. "Yes, Narcissa? Was there something you wanted?" he asked politely.

Sharp white teeth appeared, making her look for all the world like a bowtruckle that had cornered a deliciously plump woodlouse. "You do recall a few days ago, when you and I had that lovely discussion about doing your duty as a Pureblood heir by continuing the line? Well, I sensed a certain… reluctance on your part. I must have been imagining it, I know. But if there is one small part of you that has the slightest bit of doubt about you being physically able to bear my son's children, I thought I would reassure you."

Harry was about to firmly reassure her that he was physically able to do everything _except_ bear children (like throttling her, for example), when the Manor doors opened, and Draco ran in dramatically.

"Mother!" he cried. "I have wonderful news!"

She ran to him eagerly. "What is it, my son? Have you finally decided to leave the filthy Half-Blood and find yourself a proper mate?"

He smiled. "No, Mother. It's more wonderful than that. I'm pregnant!"

Narcissa paled. "You can't possibly- a Malfoy would never- it isn't-" she stuttered. Shock turned to icy rage, and she drew herself up to her full height. "You bottomed for that _cretin?!"_

"Stupefy!" Draco said happily. Narcissa fell to the floor, and he turned to Harry, who was also rather stunned.

Harry mumbled, "You're actually- I mean, I thought you couldn't- I couldn't-"

Draco cut him off with a laugh. "Of course not, silly. I merely wanted revenge for her pregnancy escapade earlier. Don't you know that it's impossible for men to bear children? Now, stop being stupid, and let's go have sex in my parents' bed!"

Harry let Draco drag him upstairs, as he glanced over his shoulder at Narcissa's fallen form, and then looked back at Draco's beaming face.

Harry really was a lucky bastard.

FIN. AGAIN.

A/N: Which one do you like better, first or second?


End file.
